Skip to main content

6 Ways to Approach a Man

Nobody Wants to Look Desperate

On the day I announced the Ultimate Summer Dating Challenge, my twitter timeline exploded with questions and comments. Some tweeted statements of gratitude like “thanks so much for making me step out of my comfort zone.” While others tweeted thoughts of distaste like, "men do the chasing and women should be the prey…period!” Despite the variety of commentary, there is one question that has stood out as the most frequent…so much so that I estimate for every 10 questions I get, this is one of them "Paul, how do I approach a man (without looking desperate)?”

The Secret Weapon

I wish I could tell you there was one secret line to instantly lock in that Lance Gross-looking brotha, but there isn’t. I’ve never seen a one liner work for everyone. As a matter of fact, I can’t tell you I’ve seen a particular approach work for everyone (although the damsel in distress ranks high as a universally effective approach). So, if there are no exact words or methods of approaching, am I saying to just jump out there with no strategy? Of course not tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat (Sun-Tzu).

What I have witnessed as effective strategy lies within the elements of the approach, which are no different for a woman approaching a man as they are for a man approaching a woman – we basically react to the same stimuli. What follows is from my observations, reading, and experiences with clients. I’ve distilled the strategy to 6 rules, that when applied collectively, will optimize your approach.

Rule 1: Be Confident

This is easier said than done, but the good news is that everyone has the ability to convey confidence (see Confidence Is Sexy: 10 Ways To Show It). Whenever you approach someone, know that your confidence (or lack thereof) will reach him before your perfume hits their nostrils or your words vibrate through their ears.

Rule 3: Smile

Hands down, when I surveyed men, this is what they say they see the least (a smile). They also mentioned that bottom line is that most of their decision to accept an approach (to go out on a date) is based on this rule and Rule 2. Bonus points are awarded if you don’t just carry a smile but can tell a good joke. Humor ALWAYS wins!

Rule 4: K.I.S.S. (Keep it Simple Sweetheart)

“Hello, my name is ______, what is your name?" is all it takes for a strong introduction. When it comes to asking for the date, simplicity also wins: "I really enjoyed talking with you, I would love to continue the conversation, how about we get together this weekend. Are you free?” That’s all it takes.

Rule 5: Stand Out

The one thing we all have in common about who we are seeking, is that we all want someone extraordinary…spending your life with just “anyone” never is appealing. Outside of humor, I’ve observed that people who can quickly distinguish themselves as unique are looked at favorably. Now, don’t overdo it! Just because you can crochet a sweater while hanging upside down on a pole doesn’t mean it should be shared in a first conversation (although I’m sure that takes a unique skill set).

Rule 6: Muffle Your Chatterbox

I’ve seen so many good initial conversations nosedive because someone couldn’t stop talking. Remember that everyone wants to feel heard. If you’re talking nonstop, you stifle that feeling. Also, those who talk profusely tend to look desperate. If you feel it’s your natural inclination to talk a lot, be very conscious of this rule.

This brought to you by Paul C. Brunson via
Follow him on Twitter @PaulCBrunson 


Popular posts from this blog

Today In Black

Rachel Boone was a slave of the decendents of the Daniel Boone family who escaped to an army camp near Miami, MO. She gave birth to a son & moved to Warrensburg, MO. Her son became "Blind" Boone, famous classical pianist known all over the U.S., Canada & Mexico who also reportedly played in Europe. He became known as the "pioneer of ragtime" because he brought in ragtime music to the concert stage as an encore or when the audience became restless, saying "Let's put the cookies on the bottom shelf where everybody can reach them.". His motto was "Merit, not sympathy, wins."

The first Kentucky Derby is won by African American jockey Oliver Lewis riding the horse Aristides. 14 of the 15 jockeys in the race are African Americans.

1909* White firemen on Georgia Railroad struck to protest employment of Blacks.

National Baptist Convention chartered.

U.S. Supreme Court in landmark Brown v. Board of Education decision declared s…

9 Types of Sex Every Woman SHOULD Have

There are a million different ways to twist the sheets. Just check the Kama Sutra, but no one can try them all. That said, there are a few types of sex every woman should experience at least once. Ladies, LISTEN UP, because if you haven’t done the deed these nine ways, you’re totally missing out!!

I’m Sorry Sex*
Otherwise known as make up sex. It’s what happens when that thin line between anger and passion is crossed and the result is most often spontaneous and mind blowing.

Vacation Sex*
It’s not for everyone, but we’re here to tell you, sex in paradise with a gorgeous man you just met can often be the most thrilling kind. (As long as it’s safe sex, of course.) He’s mysterious and gorgeous and he makes you feel sexy – a recipe for vacation bliss.

We Might Get Caught Sex*
You know that moment when the sparks are flying between you but you just can’t sneak away. Toss those inhibitions and do it anyway. Go find your own little corner of heaven and steal a moment all your own. Sure, you might …

Women's History Month Spotlight: Harriet Tubman

In Honor of Women's History Month  we will provide you with information on Outstanding women and organizations whom have made an impact not only in  African American history. .but most of all the World.
Today we highlight and pay our Respects to the Life and Legacy of Harriet Tubman!! 

Harriet Tubman is perhaps the most well-known of all the Underground Railroad's "conductors." During a ten-year span she made 19 trips into the South and escorted over 300 slaves to freedom. And, as she once proudly pointed out to Frederick Douglass, in all of her journeys she  "never lost a single passenger."

Tubman was born a slave in Maryland's Dorchester County around 1820. At age five or six, she began to work as a house servant. Seven years later she was sent to work in the fields. While she was still in her early teens, she suffered an injury that would follow her for the rest of her life. Always ready to stand up for someone else, Tubman blocked a doorway to protect ano…